From: Bobby <littlebobbytables@fastmail.com>
Subject: All models are wrong; some models are useful
Date: 16 November at 9:55:39 am
To: cahoots@amsamoa.edu

Professor Robert,

I can honestly say my recent hospital visit was one of the most positive experiences of my life. It was a pleasure to meet you, your team and in fact all staff who cared for me. 

Thank you for listening to me. Figuring out what’s wrong with you, decade after decade, as more health issues arise is gruelling work. And it’s harder when you don’t feel understood by those claiming to help you.

As humans, and especially as knowledge workers, we love our models, equations, computer simulations and the tantalising future of AI. This knowledge grants us the freedom to go so far in all domains with great accuracy!

But we have continuous amnesia about the fact that science is a best-effort current understanding of the world. Working with maps all day, at work and at home, it’s easy to forget that these maps are merely descriptions of reality. Some of the descriptions may even be inaccurate! And this is why the wonderful scientific pursuit will continue indefinitely. More and more and more of what already is, becomes known.

In hospital I said to you I think it’s possible that my health issues stem from childhood trauma. You asked what could I possibly be traumatised by? My response since then has only continued to expand. I only started to comprehend the extent of unintentional emotional abuse I continue to receive from my parents during my hospital stay. I literally had no idea. But it’s so painfully obvious now! I’ll attach some stories I’ve begun to write to this email. 

My parents did not visit me during this stay, or my previous hospital stay last year. They live in town. They are aware of how I struggled to give my details between breaths when I called for an ambulance on both occasions. They tell me how much they love me all the time. 

During my second day in hospital I was moved out of the vulnerable dementia patient room to another room. In the new room was a young mother in her late twenties. She was essentially bed-ridden, in constant pain and struggling to make bowel movements. She knew with great accuracy how long the wait would be until her next doses of Valium and pain medication. 

As I contemplated her situation with compassion, it occurred to me that I could have gone down a similar path. Where would I be if I’d continued to assume that my unfolding anxiety, depression, asthma, chronic pain, muscle tension and spasms were “bad”? Putting work on hold, not giving a fuck what people think, and continuously orienting towards my suffering with open curiosity is the wisest decision I’ve ever made. This was turning out to be the greatest year of my life! 

The following day I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on her conversation with a nurse. She told the nurse how she felt emotionally triggered when she heard the nurses say another patient’s name. She had originally been given the same name as the other patient, at birth. She explained to the nurse how she had changed her name when she escaped the untold abuse she suffered from her parents as a child. Damn I was right on the money here, I thought. 

If you’re willing to remain open, I’ve included some resources I’ve found to be incredibly useful. They helped me navigate the discoveries I had begun to intuit on my own. They may be helpful for others. 

It's difficult to read this book and not feel saddened by the needless suffering you and everyone around you has experienced.

This article describes shadow work. It’s essentially what I’ve been working on continuously this year. It made me open to the possibility that what I was experiencing in my mind and body was not some kooky spiritual shit, but what healing feels like. The sensation of convalescence.

These trauma release exercises made me open to the possibility that the tremors I was experiencing could be a perfectly normal physiological response. Since I left hospital I spoke with my uncle and discovered that he had recently started psychological therapy and trauma exercises. He too has been told he has asthma his whole life. I asked him to describe his tremors in order to compare with my own. He said he experiences pain in the sternum and hyperventilation. It’s a curious coincidence that I presented to hospital with chest pain just beneath my sternum and uncontrollable breathing.

I will continue to work with neurology and psychiatry to ensure I’m not going down an unhealthy path.

Here are some stories. Go easy if you are a parent yourself.

    Stories.pdf
    Passion.pdf

All the best,

Bobby